12 Years & Only by God's Grace… Living Through Loss
Updated: Mar 18
Recovery Journey Year #12 03/17/2010
This year has been tough, not going to lie.
I did not see many rainbows, or pink clouds...But, that is OK!
Life that is worth living is not easy all the time, let alone perfect 24/7!
I have learned how to live even through loss.
I no longer go under, over or around emotions, I have learned to go through them, as painstaking as they may be.
I felt the need to share the trials as my internal focus was shifted to my Emotional Sobriety and being “Mentally Healthy”this past year. I want you to have Hope for yourself and Hope for loved ones who may struggle with addiction.
What has Mentally Healthy looked like for me this year?
Knowing my self worth and adding to it. (Ego Removed)
Crying and being ok with it.
Not allowing others to project their “views of the way something should be" when it is harmful.
If I am uncomfortable, I speak about it and no longer “people please” for other people's comfort.
Commitment to myself 1st - Physically, Mentally, Spiritually, Emotionally and Financially which I put the oxygen mask on myself first and then others.
Self Love.
“No” is a complete sentence.
No longer fight for others if they don't want to fight at least 5% or more for themselves
Knowing I cannot control others, hell I have a hard time controlling who I see looking back at me in the mirror.
My loyalty ends when I am harmed. I no longer stay “just because”
I like and love myself.
I am Independent in every aspect of my life. The relationships I gratefully and humbly have are because I and They choose to be healthy and honest.
My word is my word.
Learning my way is not always right and being humble enough to take the cotton out of my ears and shove in my mouth.
Compromising.
AND... Still working on the below...
I still get hot headed when you mess with those I love. (Work in progress right?)
I have NO poker face….still…
My filter from brain to mouth…still working on that…
I still get a little loud speaking what I believe to be true (I am not always right and I admit my wrongs so much sooner!)
I do love Jesus and I still cuss (not as bad as I used to though)
This picture was taken after I completed the Seaside 5K this past February. (Was still under doctor's orders to not "run") So my friend Janice and I walked the 5k!
The growth through the pain over this past year has been a struggle. Not many people know about my personal emotional pain that I have felt in my head, heart and soul.
I am sharing now because I think it is very important for those who may struggle with their own Recovery.
I am most importantly sharing to give Hope to those who have or wanted to give up.
Just remember we get to start over not just daily but minute by minute. You can decide in less than a minute that you want a different life!
I am here today to tell you if you have Breathe, I have Faith and Hope in you and for you!
Recovery does not look the same for everyone.
Self medicating is the easy solution that leads to dead ends.
Honestly, Recovery is not easy, BUT it is worth it.
Emotional Pain has been my BIGGEST Struggle this past year!
When we sit in Emotional Pain for too long, it causes:
Physical, Mental and Spiritual pain.
Every time I have started to work and process through The 5 Stages of Grief over the past 9 months, I have been set back, losing loved ones back to back and having health issues.
May 2021 - Lost my Uncle Mike
June 2021 - Lost my biological Father
August 2021 - Lost my dear friend George
September 2021-Lost my daughters Father
October 2021 -Received an abnormal mammogram
January 2022 - Removal of encapsulated implants (report was benign, Praise the Lord)
January 2022 - Lost my Dad
February 2022 -Lost my Aunt Gayle
The 20 years prior to this past 12, I self medicated to deal with life.
I choose “just for today” to not self medicate and walk straight through this emotional pain. It has been hard, I have made mistakes for sure, but am grateful for the Grace of my Higher Power.
Looking back, I compared my Self-Medicating to “A Superwoman Cape” I would wrap myself in the cape so I could deal with life. No matter if I was happy, sad, mad, glad, scared… the list is a long one that is full of reasons(but really excuses) as to why I needed to Numb.
I self medicated in the end of my addiction to wake up and self medicated to sleep. My drugs were my best friend, lover, family and so on. I was incapable of having any emotional attachment that was healthy.
Addiction is a vicious and sick cycle. Unfortunately most anyone reading can relate whether you are the one struggling, or a family, friend or colleague of someone who struggles.
Addiction now affects 3 out of 4 families.
Before I was given society's consequences that saved my life, I remember saying to myself and a few others, I think I may have a problem.
God did for me what I couldnt do for myself. I remember the early morning prayers of asking God that if he would just let me sleep, I would never touch drugs again.
God knew my heart, God knew I would not keep my side of the bargain. He granted me more time on this earth. He saved me from myself, in which my Recovery Journey began, 03/17/2010.
Every DAY that goes by I AM GRATEFUL to be alive! Recovery has given me the GIFT of Life, and that is 1000% Factual.
Life's Journey is full of obstacles, trials, & tribulations. The beauty though in Life's Journey is when we are in Recovery, we have the opportunity to grow, learn and thrive.
Quoting Pablo Picasso - "Every act of creation is first an act of destruction"
Lately, I have found myself several times a day having to pause, stop and embrace my life.
I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE UP! (I am too stubborn for that)
If I am alive, I have the opportunity to change the present moment, even if that is to just adjust my breathing.
I have shared how my Recovery Journey started with many people over the years… As I sat down with God that sleepless night on March 17 2010, I asked him if he would help me clean up the Mess I had made of my life, I would make the message about him saving me.
That is something I have held true.
Am I perfect? No, not by a million miles… I am though a hourly work in progress.
That is the key.
We have to take the first fearful step.
We have to be willing to touch our toes on the new road.
This is not easy… let me repeat…This is not easy…
THIS IS HARD BUT WORTH IT!!
THIS IS HARD BUT WORTH IT!!
Where do you begin?
Faith of a Mustard Seed, Having a Faith in something greater than you, Detox, Inpatient, Outpatient, Therapy, Support from Recovery Communities, Meetings, Sponsors, Counselors and so much more!
Recovery is NOT a one size fits all, It is learning to be open and find what works for you.
This is YOUR Journey!
I am always here to help!
Thank you for your support, love, and prayers and high fives to another year of growth in my Recovery!
