Running to Seek..
“We run to undo the damage we’ve done to body and spirit. We run to find some part of ourselves yet undiscovered.”
My love for running began almost 12 years ago, and it has allowed me to clear my head while staying in one place. That sentence may not make sense to some, but if you have ever struggled with life, it will….
For as long as I can remember I was a Runner.
Running from relationships, commitment, family, friends, and work. I ran from relationships when it started getting tough. I ran from commitment in any sort of relationship because I feared getting hurt. I ran from my family because I felt misunderstood. I ran from friends because I didn't feel like I fit in, or didn't want to make a commitment of a friendship, because the friends I had chosen in the past were not friends at all in the end. I ran from work because I honestly feared success. Maybe not so much fearing success, but fearing failure and not being able to keep up with expectations of my employer. All of these have been true for me, and even some until recently.
I guess it has been truly
FEAR
Facing
Everything
and
Run
or not knowing, that is what has kept me running for most of my life.
I WAS the one who jumped first then asked how high I was supposed to after. I WAS the one who made the irrational decisions and then suffered the consequences. I could blame my hyperactivity as sometimes it overwhelmed my choices and the irrational thought process tried its damndest to rule.
(Was is past tense, and being given the tools and doing the work will keep it that way.)
When I am consistent in working a recovery program peace prevails. When I am not consistent; meaning not enough meetings or speaking and listening to drama free positive people, then chaos rules.
I need to run from the chaos cyclone, not into it. I find when I feed my soul with positive people, places and things, then I am walking through this life. When I surround myself with chaotic, unhealthy people, places and things I am lacing up and freaking running through life which doesn’t allow me to take time to make rational, healthy choices.
Years ago when I was working for a treatment facility, I remember classifying some of our clients as “runners”. They would be either detoxing, angry at being in treatment or some were actually trying to get away with using. I knew these clients all too well. I knew the signs of the “pre runner” stages..I was a pro at all of the above and could bet on the race as I saw the signs and red flags of the race about to begin that all these addicts and alcoholics in different stages of their treatment. Today, I continue to use that endearing term today with some of my clients that I gratefully get to work with.
Every year that I stay sober I can see, and feel my life changing.
From my taste in food to my acceptance of what I will tolerate. When we run the race of life it should not be to compete with our peers, but to compete with ourselves. To try and become a better person after the race of whatever situation we face should be the goal.
I am guilty of trying to Run the race and finish without even attempting to figure out the lesson that is right in front of my eyes. My brain at times is overwhelmed with ideas that pop up and I try to get pen to paper before I forget.
Reflecting over this past year’s race have been plentiful.
Some lessons came with pain, some with relief and others well, just growing up in general.
If I am always willing to be a student and stay humble, a teacher will always appear!
I have learned the difference between being genuinely proud and self absorbed ego.
I have learned that I do not have to allow others to step on me and think everything is ok because they used the word sorry.
I have learned I do not have to react and I can take my time to respond and sometimes, no response is needed.
I have learned that people are going to believe what they want regardless of the truth, or asking about the truth.
I have learned that people have their own issues and it may not be all about me(shocker! )
I have learned to accept people for who they are and, I can’t change them, but I get to change how I interact, and react to them.
I continue to learn how to manage my life that is at times unmanageable and take these days 1 at a time and the infamous “15 minutes” at a time applies. I am learning how to be a friend and realize that there are people out in this world that I can trust, the handful that I have in my circle, aka my “hula hoop”.
I have learned and teach that apologies are not what is coming out of my lips, but the action from my hips.
I have realized as well not everyone is ready to get sober that I get to work with and nor are their enablers ready to quit giving, and that's ok, because it's their story, not mine to write and tell.
I have learned that I have a big heart and it does not have to close because it has been harmed in the past.
The most important and valuable lesson I get to continually learn is this:
To ask that my Higher Power, God, will lead, guide and carry me if at anytime feel I cannot or do not feel like participating in my beautiful life today!
Happy Holidays! Enjoy these last few weeks of this year and may the angels above surround you all with hugs, kisses and lots of love...Amy C.
