Sensitivity in Sobriety..

Mar 20

I think that I have a sensitivity toward people, and that is a strength. -Joe Torre

According to Wikipedia it says that Sensitivity (human),is the strength of physical or emotional reaction in people.

In active addiction I lost my sensitivity. I had become desensitized. Emotionless was an understatement. When I did start to “feel” or rather “think”, I self medicated.

I was “plum pitiful” a term my Mema used to say when she referenced people who seemed hopeless.

What prompted this blog was I had someone recently ask me,

“Are you affectionate, are you sensitive and do you like hugs?”

It took me a minute, because I had to think about it.

I know today I am sensitive because I have my senses back.

I know as a child I was a big hugger. I realized though that there was a time period in my life I had to dig deep to give affection.

So my question to you is : Do “affection” and "sensitivity" go hand in hand?

I lacked the desire to hug anyone in the end of my addiction. I was dead inside. Of course I did not put the facts together that heavy drinking, drugging, poor eating and hardly sleeping could factor into my inner emptiness. I internally blamed it on stress and played an Oscar winning performance of Victim mode to anyone who would listen.

I grew up with hugs. I was always a hugger. As I am reflecting on past relationships, I thought that hugging and affection were normal, when most didn’t.

Everyone has a different comfort level as far as affection goes. Over the course of almost a decade in the midst of losing my mind, I lost not only affection, but sensitivity. I disregarded my emotions and dismissed others feelings and emotions as well. I lost the ability to just simply hug my girls. I was so selfish in my addiction that I was not capable of, or maybe my self pity party didn’t allow me to show love except to the drug of my choice.

Being high on cocaine, I of course, didn’t sit still for long anywhere to “feel” let alone have time to be sensitive.

If I did too much of my drug of choice, I did not want to be touched by anyone. Unlike the drug ecstasy, where the affection flows , cocaine sent me to a point of wanting to isolate. Every drug can have a different effect.

Drugs, alcohol and poor behaviors consume our brain and terrorize our feel good sensors, especially dopamine.

When you isolate yourself from others, you become desensitized. I believe this has played a big part in poor mental health and ramped up substance abuse since Covid.

Once we make that life changing decision to get Sober, ALL areas of our lives can positively change.

So many, many emotions and so much crazy seemed to be going on in my feeble mind as I began my recovery journey.

I felt this quote from Sherilyn Fenn, “I began to use my sensitivity, and I realized I wasn't weird because I cried a lot.”

I remember crying on a daily basis for the first nine months of this 13 year journey.

I have heard that our souls are cleansed every time we shed tears. When our souls become pure, our hearts can open. When our hearts open, we can love, feel compassion, and, be sensitive.

We can give to ourselves and others the gift of sharing our feelings.

Please know this process will take time, and unfortunately does not happen overnight.

Personally, for the first 3 years of my Recovery Journey, Fear tried to rule my thoughts and actions.

Please Do not allow that.

Faith or Fear? Which one will you choose today?

I ask not only for a daily positive spiritual reprieve for sobriety but also for my sensitivity to continue and grow and not allow the past fear to rule the present.

Everyday is a new day to do the next right thing.

Everyday is a chance for my emotions, trust and love to grow.

Everyday is a chance for me to hug and show affection to those I love and care about.

Strength in our emotions takes time to rebuild.

Living in Recovery has given me back sensitivity, affection, and compassion.

For this, I am truly humbled and grateful.

Thank you for letting me share, Amy C.