Boundaries or Communication Compromise?
What is the difference between Communication Compromise and Boundaries?
Recently, I met with my therapist and below you will see part of our conversation.
Relationship compromise comes from HEALTHY communication. Compromise can be important in relationships, whether it be family, friends, intimate, or colleagues. Compromise is when 2 parties are disagreeing on something and both decide to meet in the middle and agree on what works for both.
Spoken Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves in relationships and they are meant to protect us mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.
If someone doesn’t like your boundaries just remember that’s on them, not on you.
When we have relationships that are important to us, more so intimate, healthy communication will allow us to share with whom you are setting the boundary with, so they can understand your “WHY”.
(Not every relationship deserves explanations though)
In my active addiction, I didn’t know anything about boundaries except to cross everyone’s who were setting them with me. I was a people pleaser for sure and told everyone what they wanted to hear, rather than what I needed them to hear.
As my recovery has progressed, I have learned that I want and need boundaries for my own health.
Boundaries are NOT selfish, and they are definitely a need for everyone in recovery. Remember we are never just “recovering” from the substances. We are Recovering from trauma, behaviors, character defects, codependency, childhood issues and that is just to name a few…
More times than not, trauma is deeply associated with addiction. Even in Recovery we can experience trauma. Until those wounds are healed, we need boundaries. With every trauma comes a lack of trust as we were violated in some way. When we experience similar situations in our relationships, our guard usually goes up. Even when we are working on the trauma, we will still protect our hearts and minds as we know better than anyone the pain we experienced. Communicating our boundaries is important to those who we want relationships with. Some boundaries are deal breakers and others can be left on the table for a communication compromise. If both parties respect one another, then a compromise will most likely be established in time, but TRUST is so important and the #1 key for serenity for many.
When someone continues to cross your boundary, and you allow it to continue, that is on YOU.
You are showing them that your boundary really does not matter. Your actions of allowing the boundary breaking shows them your words are not solid and to disregard your feelings. You are accepting that you are not important to them. You are accepting or settling to the fact that your feelings are unimportant.
The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
When we are working on ourselves and have communicated clearly the reason behind our boundary, and the other person continues to cross the line, you need to stop and ask yourself, “WHY?”
“Why?” to yourself as to what is driving you to ignore?
“Why?” are you making the million excuses in your head of why you continue to allow it, second guess your boundaries and question your own sanity.
Not everyone will see things the same as you, but in healthy relationships, they will want to preserve and respect your boundary.
Peace is one of the most precious gifts recovery gives us.
Someone not respecting your boundaries and you not doing anything about it will steal the peace, joy and confidence from you in no time.
You can be left broken, hurt, frustrated and angry. You have to own your part and walk away for self preservation. If the other person can not respect your boundary after you were vulnerable to confide in them about your healing journey and past pain, YOU are self sabotaging.
Why would we self-sabotage?
The answer is simple….We still have more self work to do!
They say the teacher will appear when the student is ready.
We have more suitcases to unpack.
Relationships are built on trust and your feelings are yours. Communication and compromise can happen, but if you keep allowing the boundaries to be broken that were established for self protection, it may be time to walk away. Guarding our emotional and mental health is important at all costs.
Be kind to yourself and STOP questioning why your boundaries continued to be broken!
Question why were you holding onto a relationship that did not respect the boundaries.
More self work ahead for us all, which is a beautiful thing! We get the opportunity to grow even more. Never use the word failure as you nor they failed.
You learned and no one can take education away from you.
Just apply the knowledge for the future, and as I always say,
Knowledge is NOT power until applied.
Hugs, Amy C.
